TOP TEN GUILTIEST METAL PLEASURES

Photo credit: 8tracks.com

The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine about our musical guilty pleasures. Now, I don’t really believe in feeling guilty about liking something harmless, so I have to come up with guilty pleasures in a roundabout, detached sort of way. I have no qualms sharing with all of you that I sang Hanson’s “I Will Come To You” without looking at any of the words during karaoke on my 21st birthday. Hell, I sing Alanis Morrisette’s “Head Over Feet” just about every time I jump in the shower. Most of my “guilty pleasures” are ’90s radio rock and pop songs, but whenever I go to my favorite metal hangout (Duff’s Brooklyn — they deserve a plug), I usually fall in love with a hair/glam song or two. Without further ado, here are my very guiltiest metal pleasures — please don’t judge me (okay, you can judge me, but ONLY in the comments section)!

10. Oh Sleeper, “Endseekers”

A sentence I never thought I’d say: this Christian metalcore song is kind of awesome. “Endseekers” goes almost completely against what I look for in a metal song, but I can’t help but love it.

9. Scar Symmetry, “Prism And Gate”

Vocals in registers only a dog can hear? Sign me up! I’m not even sure what subgenre this song is, and I have to admit it’s a bit of a musical mess, but I sing along with the chorus every time…a couple of octaves down, of course.

8. Megadeth, “Family Tree”

Yes, “Family Tree” is from Youthanasia, Megadeth’s well-loved 1994 release. It’s still a song about child molestation. This might be the only song on the list that I ACTUALLY feel guilty about enjoying.

7. Hammerfall, “Any Means Necessary”

The only reason “Any Means Necessary” is so low on the list is because I feel like I’m cheating by throwing in classic power metal cheesery. There’s nothing exceptionally insane about this one, it’s pretty straightforward for the genre and just a whole lot of silly fun.

6. Helloween, “Mr. Torture”

I know it seems like I’m contradicting myself considering what I said about #7, but the ridiculous lyrics put this song a little higher on the list. “Dial 1-800-mr-torture?” First of all, you couldn’t dial that number even if you wanted to — there are too many numbers. Second of all, the idea of a hotline that you can call for the express purpose of being tortured (and that Spaniard housewives are apparently its most frequent callers) is completely hilarious to me.

5. Motley Crue, “Dr. Feelgood”

Oh sweet, sweet glam, how I adore thee. How I wish I had been born about a decade earlier so I’d have an excuse to love you like I do! Thank you VH1 Classic, for introducing the newer generations to cheese only the ’80s could possibly generate! I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m fairly sure “Dr. Feelgood” is the best ode to doing a bunch of drugs the ’80s had to offer. Don’t quote me on that though, I hear there are a whole lot of them.

4. Metallica, “No Leaf Clover”

I do not exaggerate when I say that when I first heard this song on the radio (at the age of 12, mind you), it blew my mind completely. I was a wee little band nerd as well as a budding metalhead, and the idea of combining orchestra instruments with metal was too awesome to bear for someone who had never encountered folk metal in their short life. Nowadays, I understand how reviled post-Black Album Metallica are, but I will never not have a soft spot in my heart for “No Leaf Clover.”

3. Poison, “Talk Dirty To Me”

Once upon a time, “Talk Dirty To Me” was my white whale. I’d hear it in grocery stores, I’d hear it at the bar, I’d be walking down the street and hear it in someone’s car. Of course, I never heard enough of the lyrics to Google it from my phone or anything like that, so I was doomed never to gain the ability to listen to it on YouTube. Eventually, my friends and I watched Hot Tub Time Machine (in which one of the main characters goes to a 1986 Poison concert), and the rest was history. When I was a little girl and people told me I had an old soul, I think that my unwavering love of cheesy ’80s rock/metal might have been what they were talking about.

2. Avenged Sevenfold, “Strength Of The World”

Ooooooh, where do I begin? More than nine minutes of whiny vocals, unimaginative guitar wankery, nearly no musical progression, and I love it somehow. Lead singer Zacky Vengeance had some sort of throat problem, so he changed his vocal style from deathy growls to whatever this is. It’s horrible, I will concede, but I love this song. I can not explain myself, nor will I defend myself. I will merely hang my head in shame. (I like “Bat Country” too — oh, the horror!)

1. Dragonforce, “Trail Of Broken Hearts”

Equal parts maudlin and nonsensical, “Trail Of Broken Hearts” really fires on all guilty pleasure cylinders. While I understand that “power metal ballad” is practically synonymous with “more cheese than an extra-large Brooklyn pizza,” there’s something about this song that really brings it over the top…even more so. And by “something,” I mean “everything.” I can’t pin down just one or two or even a bunch of individual aspects of “Trail Of Broken Hearts” that make it my #1 guilty pleasure — you’ll just have to listen for yourself.

As always, input is more than welcome. Guilty pleasures are awesome, and I need an excuse to sit around clicking YouTubes all day, so comment away with your favorite so-bad-it’s-good tracks!