How did I go this long without writing a nice big list of shit that pisses me off? Has life been treating me THAT well lately?
Dear every band ever,
A men’s medium just barely accommodates my boobs (and good luck keeping it from rolling up at the bottom), and a men’s large might as well be a pajama top. Why do you think so many of us show up to your shows with butchered and sewn-back-together-wrong t-shirts? Does it really cost you that much to include women’s sizes in your merch store?
an UNhappy medium
You like to go to shows looking cute? You must be a groupie. You like to go to shows looking pretty much average? You’re a poser, and you probably stole that awesome shirt from your boyfriend.
Regardless of your own gender, there’s nothing wrong with liking or even preferring female-fronted bands. That said, about 25% of my music collection is bands fronted by women. It would be nice if people let me tell them what I like instead of trying to figure it out themselves. It would be ESPECIALLY nice if people were nicer about the assumptions they make! “I bet you’re into that Lacuna Coil shit” is way uncalled for, especially since I am not, in fact, into that Lacuna Coil shit.
Women at shows are like islands. You can’t explain how they got there, they’re just kind of there — floating in a vast sea of dudes. There’s no way in hell a woman would buy a ticket to a show, then use the ticket to attend said show, then enjoy herself listening to the bands at said show. That just doesn’t happen ever. Obviously you just came to quench your thirst with $15 venue beer before skipping merrily home and blasting Dark Passion Play on your Hello Kitty boom box, which brings me to my next point —
God forbid you have actually been caught committing the sin of enjoying female-fronted bands while female. Be prepared to rattle off at least six “no”s while your conversation partner tries to figure out which bands are your favorites. Be prepared to look like an elitist if you mention Blood Ceremony or Skeletal Spectre. The approved list of “girl metal” starts with Nightwish and ends with about a dozen Nightwish clones.
As I said, women at shows are like islands — girlfriends and merch ladies, on the other hand, are in a whole different league! They have a purpose! They’re not dirty skank ho-bag groupies like those OTHER women! If your show uniform consists of a band shirt and jeans, you might not be there to bang a dude but you’re sure as hell there to provide some kind of support to a dude. Why else would you be there? To rock the fuck out? Madness.
I don’t crowdsurf for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I weigh more than I look like I weigh, and I don’t want to get dropped or break anyone’s arms. Secondly, I see the way the audience treats the women who dare to crowdsurf. There’s more grab-ass during an average woman’s crowdsurfing adventure than at a junior high prom. I’ll pass on that.
We’ve all experienced the crushing loneliness of a spontaneous pit dispersal. It sucks, but is somehow less insulting than when all the dudes in a circle pit slow down and maybe gently press on your shoulder blade in an effort to humor you into thinking they haven’t committed pit suicide at the mere thought of a chick entering their ranks. We know we might get hurt and those of us who can’t handle it are off in the back sipping on cranberry vodkas like little alcoholic hummingbirds. The rest of us are ready to bust some heads!
So you like metal, eh? What kind of metal? Anything before 1990? Oh, good, haha. What was that, you like Exodus? Oh well that’s fine I guess. Oh, Megadeth too. Cool. What do you listen to aside from metal? I guess Bad Religion’s pretty cool, yeah. Do you ever…uh huh. Uh huh. Whoa! Yeah, I was at the Overkill show! You like Overkill? Oh man, yeah I fucking love Taking Over, I remember this one time when I went to see Overkill at this local venue down in Virginia, and…
Once you drop the right name, male metal heads will love and accept you. Don’t expect any hints as to what the right name will be — it’s different for everyone, and you will be subject to intense scrutiny until the second you get it right. (For those of you who aren’t history nerds, let me Google the Dominican Order for you.
I don’t know when the world collectively decided to make Steel Panther (and Anal Cunt, and others) rich and famous for their idiotic sexist songs, but clearly that decision was made while I was away from my desk. These people literally sit down together and write songs about giving women STDs, and we still are buying up their shit like it’s going out of style. Check out the lyrics for “That’s What Girls Are For,” and tell me again that I need to learn to take a joke. There’s a local band that’s into this kind of “humor” too, but I forgot their name — they have a song called “Maggot Cunt,” and they’re even less funny than Tenacious D, which is quite a feat.
So what pisses you off most about being a metalhead lady? Inquiring minds would like to know!